Last week I worked four days and on the fifth (actually Wed) I:
1. attended Mass w/my mom :-)
2. went to Staples to replace the ink in my printer
3. worked out
4. installed ink and printed many documents for pro-life meeting
5. made lunch (and dinner while waiting for lunch to finish)
6. met with spiritual director
7. ate the prepared dinner while making agenda for meeting
8. led meeting
I know I don't have a full time job - but this week sure felt booked! The meeting went great and I felt like God opened our eyes a bit to the direction He wants the group to take. What a highlight of the week right?
Too bad that is not how I felt. Everyone I talked to has tried to reassure me, but a nagging feeling remains. It is hard to describe it. If I had to do so, it would be self-doubt but that is incomplete. It feels like an out-of-body self-doubt because I don't really believe it and I can let it pass over me. I feel at peace with my direction in life, but I also feel a black cloud following me, hoping to catch up on a bad day and consume my thoughts. It is the weirdest kind of spiritual warfare I have ever experienced, maybe because it is one of the first times I can see it for what it truly is. It is truly draining and makes me appreciate great spiritual lives like Padre Pio's all the more. The book I read about him dealt with really serious stuff - supernatural and from his own community. He went through so much and I am having difficulty keeping up with life because of a vague "feeling" - I have so much to learn....