Keeping Up...

Well Christmas season is in full swing. **Catholics celebrate Christmas for more than one day** I made it through midnight mass and even hit the high notes in our choir's arrangement of "O Holy Night" at about 12:45 while everyone went up to communion. I made it out of bed for 10am mass to sing again and actually have some family members here me that time. Then I went home to get ready to host 19 members of my family for Christmas day. I've had a couple days to recover and went to a choir party last night and got asked the same questions again....where am I looking for a full time job?

The choir director works at a school that is just starting up so I would have a good chance at getting a job there. I actually told her I was not looking and was content to substitute at the moment. After I get questions like that I wonder what it would be like if I had a job, a certain keeping up with the Joneses mentality if you will. Our budget would be less strict and our lives would be busier - but I might feel like I was keeping up with the status quo around me. Then I realized that I learned in my psychology classes that as you move up the socio-economic scale you compare yourself to others that are on the next step and that basically goes on forever unless you are someone like Bill Gates. There's a fancy name that I'm not recalling for that phenonmenon but the point is made - I will never keep up...

After thinking about all that by myself I asked my husband if he thinks I should try for that job. He just doesn't want me to have regrets. Would I regret not ever working full-time or would I regret being super busy when I could be preparing to start a family?

Days of Entitlement

Originally, I had this blog mostly as a journal for myself. I didn't have to worry about coming off as prideful or arrogant or anything else because it was just me typing away so my thoughts don't stay jumbled up in my head. As I have said before, a hobby of mine is organizing. I like to have things in their proper place and I like to put things away. This blog started so I could put my thoughts away. So this is me putting my thoughts away on our culture of entitlement even though I am by no means an expert and I'm still working through how to change myself.

Most people would agree that we are living in an age of entitlement even if we argue about the cause. I will keep my opinions on the cause to myself so we can just focus on the topic: Entitlement

As Americans, most of us live with so much. We can have food when we want it (even if we do not feel like cooking) we can buy new clothes when we want, we can go on the computer and blog when we want - this list could go on for quite a long time. The point being, we are used to getting our way when we want something. Said like that it sounds selfish doesn't it?

Of course, this doesn't go for every situation. In high school, my Christian friends would somehow get on the topic of *ahem* intimacy all the time! They would talk about how they were doing good at the self-control thing right now, but when they got married all bets were off. A couple of my friends, in high school and college, talked about how they didn't want to go on a honeymoon at all, but instead wanted to take a month off of work so they could spend a lot of time in bed "getting to know" their spouse.

How does this relate to NFP you ask? In my friends commentary they saw intimacy as something forbidden until marriage and experienced on demand after the vows are said. If you look at it as something that is always available, sometimes the sacredness and specialness of the act is overlooked. It is not instant gratification like fast food, it is something that was created to bring a couple closer to God and each other. NFP has taught me how to look at the marital union in a less selfish and more sacramental way. On the other hand, society (and birth control) have taught us that it is good and should be done as often as possible. Unfortunately, it seems like this country is concerned about quantity over quality in so many activities and parts of our lives.

I don't know how my friends are doing now in that category. I wonder if they still have the opinion that since I'm married now I'm entitled to A. Although I agree in saving yourself until marriage, I think the teaching philosophy is flawed. Just because all of a sudden it is "good" once you say your vows, does not mean you are entitled to it at any particular time. And that seems to be the biggest issue with NFP - but we're married so we can do this when we want, not just when my body allows. No one is taught that this act of love is a total giving of yourself so NFP just doesn't make sense. Anyone know how to explain that without sounding arrogant like I'm sure I did in this post? Again, I write this more as a means of putting away my thoughts than anything else.

A Change in Plans

I had planned to publish a post today on the Entitlement of this country and how it is affecting family life in a negative way but it just didn't feel right to do that today - maybe I'll post it later this week. I can't talk about entitlement, or warn of its dangers, when I am struggling with the very same thing right now.

As I have said before, NFP has been a blessing and a cross for me to bear. I am aware of the cyclical changes in my body which helps ease my mind about some symptoms that would worry others. On the other hand, even with my treatment of healthy diet, exercise and progesterone cream (natural because synthetic can cause some bad side effects), I cannot get rid of two of my symptoms - fatigue and irritability. For those of you who know STM, my luteal phase is all over the place on some cycles. There is a definite temperature shift but it doesn't always stay up. It is also the phase I have the most fatigue and irritability. I know it is from my cycle, but that doesn't make it any easier for me or my husband to handle.

Off the pity train and on to the confession part. Even though God has blessed me with the knowledge of my body to the point where I am at peace with it and what God gives me each day, I tend to get a bit demanding. I fall into the bad habit of feeling entitled to help. Okay hubby, you don't feel like crap right now so I am entitled to your attention and support. You need to love and care for me! Even though I don't say it that bluntly, I know my attitude is selfish in desiring love and support without wanting to even try to think about how to show love in return. It's the Jenelle show and no one else is as important. I've gotten better about turning to God in my pain, but my emotional issues are another story. I never stay in the ultra-selfish mode for long, but it is long enough to cause damage to myself and my husband.

Needless to say, I'm frustrated that these symptoms aren't going away. At this point I'm not looking for medical advice but I would love some pointers if you know how to diffuse a tough emotional situation. Any tips on how to stay away from selfish emotional temptations? Like a quick prayer or saint to learn about who had similar temptation?

Intentionally NFP

Well there has been a big to do in some places about how to use NFP in a morally licit manner. Many comments say go to your spiritual director, pastor or priest. Well I know that the Catholic Church teaches NFP is the only acceptable approach to spacing children, but not all priests adhere to that. I for one was shocked when I went to the priest who was presiding over our marriage ceremony said not all couples are "mature" enough for this method. He knew we were planning on learning NFP and he still wasn't encouraging it? How can I go to that person and ask to use the method correctly?

Needless to say, my husband and I were feeling a bit lost and confused in the beginning of our marriage (mostly me - he had more confidence in our discernment process). Were are reasons just? Who could help us out if not our NFP instructors or priest? And then you read some NFP dialogue and they say "being newlyweds" is not a good enough excuse...well I'm pretty sure I used that one for a couple months. In my defense, I had never shared a bed (at least as long as I can remember) and it took me a couple months to have a full night's sleep. Plus there are so many other adjustments that correlate with "being newlywed" so in my head that just summed up all the parts.

Moving on, I thought I would write a post on my take in this debate. First of all, I think any couple mature enough to get married is mature enough to use this method. Marriage is about communication and mutual self-giving. NFP enhances both. Secondly, I agree that "just reasons" need to be discerned by the couple and will be unique to their situation. With that being said, I can't judge if any particular couple is using the method correctly but I have found myself asking a few questions as a guide.

Is my reason selfish? I say this to remind myself that I should be making the decision based on what is best for my family and future children. If it is just because I want something or don't want something, then I am not thinking about family.

Am I truly open to life? NFP is all about being open to life in that you don't artificially avoid conception but there is a difference between physically being open to life and mentally being open to life. Would I be happy if I had a baby in 9 months? This question I ask without all the qualifiers of the next and most standard question...

Can I support a new life physically, financially, spiritually and emotionally? This is the only question where I find it appropriate at times to say no. Yes I am married and my husband and I would love to have kids, but right now is not the time for us based on all the needs this new life would have. We are working toward better meeting those needs so I know I am not being selfish and I would lovingly accept a child if God gave us that gift right now. However, lovingly accepting the Church's teaching on NFP does not mean we all have to race to see how many children we can have as soon as possible.

Who is Man for Woman? Part 2

Amazing to know I have more to say on this right? I apologize for my last post (I guess I should have split this into 3 parts), but it is so hard to shorten these profound and completely relevant points that Fr. Loya has made. This post will be more concise and will contain two points: honesty and language.

First to address honesty. Most people would agree that honesty is part of what makes a person good, but Fr. Loya took that one step further. His argument is one of alliteration: Being honest will help make you holy, what is holy will bring happiness and also lead you to heaven if you are dishonest it will go in the opposite direction and result in harm of some kind.

Second point - language - is something more than just words. Fr. Loya talks about the language of the body. The language of the body can either honestly reflect the words you say or not. If two people become one in marriage, that means you are completely unified. You give the total gift of yourself. If you "speak" honestly with your body that includes everything, including your fertility. After all, God did make it possible to postpone pregnancy while still telling the truth with your body.

His conclusion: The Church is against contraception, not because they want lots of children to ease the shortage of priest, because it is a way for you to lie with your body.

Who is Man for Woman? Part 1

I commented here on the topic of marriage and brought up the name Fr. Loya. Fr. Loya was blessed with the opportunity to study in Rome and here Pope John Paul II speak on Theology of the Body. One of the Pope's most memorable quotes for him was:

Humanity, its dignity and its balance will depend at every moment and on every place on the globe on who man is for woman and who woman is for man. - Pope John Paul II

I believe the thesis of this talk is: To understand marriage, love and sexuality you need a total vision of man. If you can't fully answer the question "Who is man for woman and who is woman for man" you cannot understand Church teaching on this topic. I think that is 100% true. I hesitate to write the post because when narrowed down to a blog it may sound like it just plays on stereotypes and is insensitive to people who don't fit the norm. That is not my goal in any way. The goal in this post is to touch on something I feel to be true - God made man and He also made woman. We were both designed to be perfect and I would say equal. However, something else I have found true in many ways over the years - equal does not mean the same. Please read with an open mind.

I am not a theologian so if you want all his biblical references that support his point you should definitely get this cd. Instead, I will mention a few "real world" examples that he mentions that I find helpful in conversations on this topic -

His first point that is made involves compliments (different things that go together). Many compliments can be found in the world - night and day, man and woman, work and play. In those examples, each is more appreciated and life is more balanced when they go together. More than all the artificial, immoral and emotional arguments for and against marriage, biology can prove to be a strong resource when explaining why there is a "natural order" found in the marriage between one man and one woman and all pro-life and NFP ideals.

Women are internal and men are external. Women like to bring things to themselves and men like to act outwardly which is mirrored in our anatomy. This comes down to how young children play with toys. Boys like to test toys and bang them against things (car crashes) and girls like to play house or play with dolls and create connected stories. This phenomenon continues through life. Women are internal and connected. We like to talk with each other, we like to console others and not worry about solving a problem. Men are made for separateness and external acts. They want that "man cave" to withdraw after a long day of problem-solving. They usually do not want to talk just to talk - they want to solve something. They withdraw and re-energize so they can come back and solve all the "problems" you bring up when you talk about your day.

When I first heard this talk, before I was married, I did not realize how true that was. One of the adjustments when my husband moved in after the honeymoon, was giving him some time to "withdraw" after a hard day. There is nothing that I can do to help him because that is not how he was made. I was also amazed at how many times I would clarify that I was not talking about a "problem" and was not looking for a solution.

Going back to the complimentary aspect. Women are internal: they want to help other feel loved, accepted, build community, etc. Men are external: they want to solve problems. Both have a hugely important role in our lives, but they need balance. It sounds stereotypical, but it is true in my life. The procreation difference (obviously same-sex partners to do that differently) is losing ground with contraception and IVF among other things - but our biology has stayed the same. We were created differently but equal.

The way I understand it in my life comes down to this scenario
When someone has had a hard day
Me to my husband: how can I help you relax/feel better?
My ideas: back massage, relax, have time alone while I clean up dinner
My husband to me: how can I fix the problem
His ideas: create a to do list, find a way to make x problem not occur again, if that is not possible find way to adjust routines etc. so problem is not so upsetting

Now, I am not saying that is the only thing my husband and I do. I want to help him fix problems and he wants to help me relax, but our first instincts are different and we learn from each other how to do that which does not come naturally.

Drawn to You

Has there ever been a person, topic or activity you felt drawn to? I think some things we are just meant to do. Some how early in high school I felt drawn to my husband. I can't remember how everything really happened at this point but I know I just felt like I could go to him and open up about some things I didn't tell many people.

The same thing can happen with topics and activities. Some people are drawn to working out and love the experience but for the life of me I can't figure out why that happens. I feel drawn to the pro-life movement and more specifically to educating people on Natural Family Planning. It is natural, safe and empowering. I have so much information and knowledge and freedom to let my body work in its own way and own time.

Finally I read an article that talks about Natural Family Planning in a way that I think will help priests. It talks about understanding the woman and drawing people in by explaining the beauty of the system. The full article comes in response to a recent conference, but there is a great excerpt from when Pope John Paul II was in California. Here is a firsthand account of his discussion on Theology of the Body and NFP:

Holy Father said that in the great and difficult moral issues we should teach in such a way that people would see church teaching as attractive and be drawn to it. A few months later, at lunch with several other bishops during the “ad limina” visit, I reminded him of what he said, and asked, “Holy Father, how do we do this?” The pope became very serious. Philosophical. “It is necessary to understand the soul of the woman. All these things which were meant to liberate her; premarital sex, birth control, abortion. Have they liberated her, or have they enslaved her?” The challenge he gave to the bishops on that lovely sunny day at the old mission in California must be taken up. It seems the beauty and attractiveness of Catholic moral teaching have only now begun to find a serious hearing among many people. We must take up the challenge to share, especially with our young people, the beauty of Catholic moral teaching in the area of sexuality and marital life, and the value of Natural Family Planning which respects the law of God and the dignity of the woman.