Happy 50th Anniversary

Many of you know the 50th anniversary of the pill was this month (at least widespread legal use of it). I'm a little late, but at least I'm in the right month. Many people have also written about this topic and what is popular or common belief now. Mainstream culture may have celebrated the anniversary, but at least one WSJ article talked about a lot of the facts. Seeing those facts brings me back to the summer I spent on researching the topic before the pill was widely available - all the way back to the 20s. Basic conclusion is still the same - contraception won't and can't solve all the social problems it promises to do away with (i.e. unexpected pregnancies). And as I linked to earlier in the comparison to smoking - there are also serious health risks.

Some other promises of birth control have also not been realized. "Sexual freedom" is not a reality because the physical bonding ties us to our "partners" and the more partners we have, the less satisfying the "bond" experience. Freedom should not limit bonds and trust. Artificial BC can do both. Not to mention the fact that women still must deal with unplanned pregnancies even if using the pill. It's a hard truth to face, but here is another one:

NFP never seems to get noticed. A scientifically based method of spacing/preventing births is ignored or seen as backward church talk. People don't think about the lack of side effects, free cost and life benefits received by practicing self-control. Even so, some sex-therapists recommend periodic abstinence as a way of rekindling romance. If it's available every day - no big deal. If some random days are picked to abstain the waiting builds anticipation (and maybe romance) and anticipation leads to greater satisfaction. If only that could be combined with a natural way of postponing pregnancy.....oh wait, that is exactly what NFP does? Amazing!

Information...

This quote is a bit out of date - but I'm pretty sure she holds the same views now as I do. This was originally posted last May. This May I have just finished an overnight tour of Egypt seeing lots of amazing ancient wonders! Maybe I'll have to post pictures when I get back.

We live in a world today that is full of information. It is staggering how much information you can find on the internet - and I am hopefully adding to that just a bit. In an age with so much information available - and free internet access at libraries - how can we say that people are denied access to information? It is out there if you are willing to look for it. I think this is one of the greatest steps mankind has made in the last century but it comes with a cost. There is so much information out there that the problem is not finding some, the problem is getting too much to go through. I look at something related to sanctity of life every day and I am still far from an expert on all the current debates happening right now. With that as my understanding, I found this comment that Hillary Clinton made at a Planned Parenthood event quite interesting:

[W]e know that Margaret Sanger's work here in the United States and certainly across our globe is not done. Here at home, there are still too many women who are denied their rights because of income, because of opposition, because of attitudes that they harbor. But around the world, too many women are denied even the opportunity to know about how to plan and space their families. They're denied the power to do anything about the most intimate of decisions.

Any time someone says the "world" it is too much for me to process. I do know simple family planning methods have been taught in developing countries and are well received. I don't know where exactly, how often, etc. On the other hand, I can say something with a bit more authority about the United Sates. No one in America is denied the opportunity to learn how to plan their families. There are opportunities online and through books (that libraries lend for free) for women to learn about family planning. Natural Family Planning classes are open to everyone and in my area range from completely free to a one time cost of $75-100. That is much more cost effective for the woman and for the taxpayers. I wish there was a good source to go to for both sides of the story - but each side is going to stick to their own.

The point of the post: don't take anything on the news or from politicians at face value (for either side). Evaluate the facts and do some research before you write them off. That I have done and I finished with more respect for the pro-choice movement. They have good goals: help empower women and improve their health. I just disagree with how they go about reaching those goals. I think empowering women to choose and embrace life while making wise choices in their daily activities is worth fighting for every day. I plan to continue doing just that.

NFP and intention

Another good one from last April! I was really hardcore then huh? My opinion on this post is still the same and it has been quite a journey trying to "improve" areas of my life to make more room for my future family...still no different news to share from a year ago. And if anyone is curious, today I am touring Pompeii!

Last night, as I was catching up with one of my college friends, I was reminded of a previous conversation we had a month or two ago. It related to the intention of a couple using NFP. When I was learning the method, I remember my teacher saying that you can use NFP in immoral ways, but I don't remember a lot of details on how that is possible. If you aren't using anything artificial, how can the system be immoral?

First of all, I want to say that NFP can be used for more reasons than many people think. Dr. Gregory Popcak (PhD) put it best when he wrote:

The phrase 'grave reasons' comes from a popular - though flawed and unofficial - translation of Humanae Vitae that has caused much harm and misunderstanding. The official Vatican translation from the original Latin reads 'serious reasons.' What constitutes 'serious reasons,' however, is left to the couple to discern. Pope Pius XII indicated that the reasons a couple may choose to prevent pregnancy are 'in truth, very wide.' The Church asks only that every couple give prayerful consideration to 'both their own welfare and that of their children, those already born and those which may be foreseen' as well as to exhibit a willingness to 'reckon with both the material and spiritual conditions of the times as well as their state of life...[and] the interests of the family group, of temporal society, and of the Church herself' (Gaudium et Spes, no. 50) - Gregory Popcak Ph.D Holy Sex: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving pg.185

Serious reasons can and should include physical, emotional, spiritual and financial needs. The question then needs to be asked: Can we support a new child in all of those ways? If the answer is no, then NFP can be used to avoid pregnancy.

That brings me back to my original question of how NFP can be used immorally. In my understanding, it all comes down to intentions. Is the couple prayerfully considering a family and their ability to care for one? This is where the confusing gray area is found. Only the couple can know where they are at in all the categories above, so the church is necessarily vague in discussing serious reasons. However, if the couple sees children as a bad thing or just an inconvenience, don't they have the same mentality as those using artificial means? It is something that only the couple and God can know for sure. I have to ask myself every month if I am remaining truly open to life. If my heart is closed to the possibility of a new life, the fact that I do not use artificial means to prevent pregnancy is not benefiting me spiritually.

As I stated in an email to my friend after the conversation we had, it is hard for me to answer that question sometimes. In regards to one of the categories, my answer is no and has been for a number of months. On the other hand, saying no to children without trying to improve my life so that I could switch that answer seemed incomplete. Being open to life and really questioning my intentions behind NFP has helped motivate me to live a healthier lifestyle so that I know that I am working toward turning that no into a yes.

A pro-life use for the pill

A long one...but necessary to show my point that the pill can help someone be more pro-life. This is still an exception as you will see my "exceptional" story below. We have a medical solution to the pain of endometriosis and we, even as conservative Catholics, are free to use it with specific guidelines.

Some readers may remember my three options to ease menstrual pain resulting in my decision for surgery last summer. It seemed an easy one to make at the time. I didn't want to live with the pain, and I didn't want to go on the pill. I'll take surgery please. I like using NFP so I know what is going on with my body. I know when I'm ovulating, I'm not suppressing my happy hormone that helps me do so, and I know when I can and cannot get pregnant. Let's not have that change.

However, even in my NFP classes, we teach that the pill can be prescribed for medical reasons. We can try supplements and even surgery first, but sometimes it is hard to find the cause and the pill may be the best source of relief. Starting a hormonal pill can balance out your body and hopefully even after you come off things will be better.

I chose surgery to diagnose the problem - endometriosis. I also found out that it can be caused by estrogen imbalance and cod liver oil (or other fish oil) supplements can increase that problem. Solution (treatment to prevent recurrence): get pregnant or try supplements, exercise and progesterone if necessary. Well I have tried all three (not the pregnancy part) and gotten nowhere.

NFP doesn't make life perfect and supplements don't always help. Even with my lifestyle changes, I still could be classified as having PMDD - meaning I can't function. At this point, I not only have pain but awful mood swings and anxiety attacks. By my charts, I know it is basically the week before my next cycle. It must be hormonal right? But increasing the progesterone doesn't help the emotional part and adds extreme fatigue to the mix. What is a girl to do? No pregnancy to blame the hormonal insanity on and no support from mainstream culture who would have put me on the pill 5 years ago.

If I could talk to my May 2009 self, I might advise the pill. I knew then and still know now it can be pro-life if used with periodic abstinence. I also know that my definition of pro-life includes many different things including quality of life. What can I do to make myself healthier - oddly enough that may have, and still could be, the pill. If I can't function for almost a week at a time, then it is hard for me to get outside myself and live a good example.

I don't regret my decision because I couldn't see into the future, but I would advise people in a similar situation to think about the option long and hard and not judge those who take the "easy" way out. No way is easy, and the goal is overall health. If over the counter supplements and progesterone do not help, the pill just might. I'm still reaching for that goal and I'm once again weighing my options.

Is NFP too hard?

Now that I have started teaching NFP, I have to think again how to make it appealing to different people. In the class I have four couples and at least two are definitely planning on using the method - the other two are thinking about it. In the beginning of the class we announced the three criticisms
1. It's too hard
2. It doesn't work
3. We're to lazy/forgetful

We also announced that we would address all of them to the point where everyone could feel comfortable/safe using the method. Here is a post I originally wrote last summer addressing the first concern.

The biggest question/concern people have approached me with is the perceived idea that NFP must be too hard to follow - especially as newlyweds. I have a couple friends getting married in the near future and have had discussions with one. She seemed to like the idea behind NFP and the natural way it works - but thought it would be too hard to follow so she didn't want to risk it.

To everyone that is already married - think back to when you were just dating. Those of you that aren't married yet won't have to think back too far! There is excitement and a drive to go out and do new things or explore new places. My husband and I took part in a lot of different activities and date nights to keep the relationship interesting before getting married. We took dance lessons and impressed guests at the reception with our salsa moves. We still make a lot of time for new activities and outings with friends. With NFP there is a wonderful cycle of courtship and honeymoon periods that keep the relationship exciting and fresh. Even secular therapists are proposing times of abstinence to spice up the relationship. Granted there are some days when many couples would say it is easier said than done, but those same couples would take the next sentence to explain all the benefits and excitement the method brings.

I want to mention one such story very briefly. This is a couple that was first using the pill and then learned NFP. When using the pill they took their relationship for granted and were filled with the usual excuses (busy, tired, etc). When they started using NFP they knew there would be times of abstinence and made an effort to adjust schedules to make sure they could be with each other. In the end, they were/are together more often since starting NFP.

I have to agree with them that NFP helps keep me from taking things for granted. It has actually helped me change my point of view in other aspects of my life to truly appreciate each day that I am given. When I take the time to think about it, I am so filled with joy that I want to spread the knowledge and true happiness that I have and I am glad that I can do just that through this site.

Responsible Living

There are many different views of how to start a family. Some say leave it completely up to God. Some say they are ready to get married but definitely not ready to parent so they go to a doctor and get a prescription and some might think about it entirely too much. I really can't say which one is right and I believe all will argue that they are trying to follow the guidelines they believe make up responsible living. While I may be on the "conservative" side of leaving the topic open to prayer and God's guidance, I haven't felt led that way yet.

People and strangers have now really started asking the baby question. I have been married for a little while and I don't even have a full time job so I should cut my losses in the professional world and have babies now until things turn around. At least that was one comment I got. Only that just accounts for finances (or lack of my own) and not my physical or emotional/spiritual health. In my own version of responsible living/parenthood here are some of the things I have adapted to my lifestyle to prepare mind and body for future motherhood:


1. diverse eating habits - before I might say I had fruits and veggies but they were always the same two or three. I have broadened my horizons to squash, cabbage, asparagus, berries, nuts, brussel sprouts, and some I can't even name. That is a bunch more than broccoli and carrots and apples and bananas.

2. more consistent exercise - I'm not going to say how much because all you exercise fanatics will laugh, but it's more than before and that is a start.

3. Doctors appointments among doctor appointments. I want to make sure I am healthy before trying to sustain another human being. These appts included:
1. Neurologist and EEG - check ups from a surgery done in 1999
2. Routine Physical - check blood levels etc to make sure I don't have nutrient deficiencies and that I'm taking the right supplements
3. A bunch of other appts I thought I could get out of the way including an eye exam and trip to the dentist and then second trip for a filling.

Wow, that seems like a lot and I'm only taking care of myself. Hopefully my emphasis on NFP and knowing about my body will help when I feel a call to motherhood and, even if I am part of the 1 out of 7 couples who experiences infertility, I will know I did all that was in my power to prepare for the physical demands of motherhood and even conception. If there is one thing I know from learning/teaching NFP it is that conception is not a right - it is a gift.

If you haven't guessed yet - I have a lot of doctor's appointments this week and I'm trying to convince myself it is worth all the hassle :-)

Following the Crowd

H/T to thatmarriedcouple for pointing out and writing on this great article

The phrase herd mentality is pretty common. People tend to follow the crowd on many things - how else would ladies fashion trends be profitable? I do not have the money to buy many trendy clothes nor do I find it very important, but there are many aspect of my life that are impacted by the herd mentality. The biggest example I can think of is my career path. I am from an upper-middle class family so of course I am going to college. That was never a doubt in my mind even before I had any idea what I wanted to do. If I had really thought about it I might have ended up a hairdresser - one of my more unique childhood dreams as opposed to the very common teacher aspirations. That storyline is unlikely, but possible.

How might we describe a mentality (there are many examples past the herd)? Here is one definition as found in the article titled "Contraceptive Mentality"

A "mentality" exists in a society when enough people react automatically to a situation without thinking of the long-range consequences. "Mentality" describes a pervasive—almost Pavlovian —mindset that is awake to the immediate benefit but asleep to the distant repercussion.

The contraceptive mentality truly fits this definition. People automatically turn to artificial means of contraception to regulate family size. That is what the culture teaches and that is what is assumed by most. I can't blame anyone because I have followed many other types of herd mentalities as well. The immediate benefit is widely advertised - postponing pregnancy/parenthood while the disadvantages are reasoned away. It is hard to get past the mentality that postponing pregnancy is best left to doctors and not to a beautiful and holistic understanding of female anatomy.

If you want to read more I encourage you to go here and read the blog by thatmarriedcouple (in case you missed it) who was able to give a better and wider review of the idea of "contraceptive mentality" than I.

A Healthy Diet

In the past couple years I have gotten a lot better at eating veggies and staying away from sweets (sometimes). I am by no means a nutritionist or dietitian but I have tried to make some of the easier changes - snack on fruits instead of chips and add veggies to the dinner menu. Hopefully all this means I am living a healthier life.

Another "healthy" aspect of my life that I mostly take for granted is my knowledge of my cycle. I have seen how some menu and supplement choices have increased the length of my luteal phase and generally balanced out my charts. I also know that this lifestyle choice helps prevent me from putting more chemicals or pills in my body that are unhealthy. I bring this up because I was just reading in a book today that the "pill depletes fertility and pregnancy nutrients, including folate, vitamins A, B6, and Zinc."

The short excerpt on the pill also confirms that yes - many women are ovulating within the first couple months of coming off the pill and 95% by the end of the first year. Many women can get pregnant right away. On the other hand, those nutrients are pretty important for mom and baby so it might be a good idea to wait a while before trying to conceive.

Hopefully reading books like this will help me with my first ever NFP class that I will teach starting next month. You never know what questions you will be asked so I'm trying to catch up on some reading before I start so I will know lots of good resources to turn to for help :-)

Straightforward Talk....and facts

I originally wrote this in April 2009 and have been thinking along the same lines again - how can you advertise/get the word out about something that generates very little money?

I had dinner with a friend last night and this issue of pro-life and politics came up. She is so driven that she already has experience working in the White House. She knows a lot more about politics than me and I always welcome her input. My one thought last night and today is that I wish more people would be more straightforward and consistent with their beliefs and policies. We talked about how it is a lot easier to respect someone who has different beliefs as long as they mean what they say and are consistent.

A lot of times, people make statements that don't seem to match up with their actions. I try not to be one of those people. Some may say I have a strong personality or I speak my mind. They may even say something with a more negative connotation, but one thing is for sure, I tend to call it how I see it. Why shouldn't I? I may encourage the use of NFP to those who are willing to listen, but I don't talk in a way that argues that is the only choice (i.e. "You should use NFP). I just want to make sure everyone knows they have that option and that it is an effective one. I love that I found this book "Natural Family Planning Blessed our Marriage: 19 True Stories"
People need to know facts though, and that is what I try to do. The way I see it, if there were commercials saying "new method of birth control that is up to 99% effective and has no side effects, talk to your doctor" wouldn't you get a lot of women saying - "Yes! No side effects! sign me up for that. If the commercial went on to say it would increase communication with your partner and cost practically nothing would people listen? If the named changed to emphasize the natural part would more people in the green movement listen?

Unfortunately, since the method is cost-effective (just pay for a class to learn) there is no revenue for fancy commercials and catchy names. Doctors are not inclined to learn it and drug companies would have you disbelieve it. The facts are, from studies and my own life, the method works and it has benefits. And it is not just religious "whackos" that think so. The organic movement is catching on to the health benefits - maybe they'll think up a catchy name and slogan. Or maybe more people will start buying this shirt.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

This post was originally written in April at the beginning of my training to become an NFP teacher. The loving and fact filled message has been on my mind as I have been challenged on the benefits and difference of NFP v. AC

I went to a NFP class this Saturday and that was the theme throughout the 2 hour lesson. The couple teaching was funny and had some great stories from 47 years of marriage. They had a very simple and straightforward way of explaining how they try to love and respect each other every day.

They talked about Bible references and theology but it all seemed to come down to one thing - respect each other and God's plan for our lives. We are wonderfully made, created in the image of God. Every NFP class has the same statement thrown in at some point: Fertility is normal - not a medical disorder. God gave us the gift of fertility and we need to respect that gift. Trying to artificially suppress that gift is the difference between Natural Family Planning and barrier methods. The Catholic Church's argument against birth control has more to do with changing our body's natural rhythm and possibly miscarrying than preventing conception and most people are not aware of that. Not every loving act is expected to yield a high chance of conception since the woman's body is not always fertile. Normal is a woman that is fertile 6-10 days a month. In relation to that, I learned that fertility treatments are supported by the Church as long as it is bringing the couple back to the normal range and not choosing from six embryos. To simply put the theology - God's plan is perfect so why try to change it?

Keeping Up...

Well Christmas season is in full swing. **Catholics celebrate Christmas for more than one day** I made it through midnight mass and even hit the high notes in our choir's arrangement of "O Holy Night" at about 12:45 while everyone went up to communion. I made it out of bed for 10am mass to sing again and actually have some family members here me that time. Then I went home to get ready to host 19 members of my family for Christmas day. I've had a couple days to recover and went to a choir party last night and got asked the same questions again....where am I looking for a full time job?

The choir director works at a school that is just starting up so I would have a good chance at getting a job there. I actually told her I was not looking and was content to substitute at the moment. After I get questions like that I wonder what it would be like if I had a job, a certain keeping up with the Joneses mentality if you will. Our budget would be less strict and our lives would be busier - but I might feel like I was keeping up with the status quo around me. Then I realized that I learned in my psychology classes that as you move up the socio-economic scale you compare yourself to others that are on the next step and that basically goes on forever unless you are someone like Bill Gates. There's a fancy name that I'm not recalling for that phenonmenon but the point is made - I will never keep up...

After thinking about all that by myself I asked my husband if he thinks I should try for that job. He just doesn't want me to have regrets. Would I regret not ever working full-time or would I regret being super busy when I could be preparing to start a family?

Discernment

This past weekend I went to yet another NFP meeting. We heard one of the established teachers present her research on the topic. She presented on the process of discerning your family size and I thought it was great, especially since it was something I needed to hear.

She used a St. Ignatius exercise to discern whether or not to try to postpone or achieve pregnancy - ultimately it is out of our hands. She didn't give a handout yet (we will receive them soon), but this is what I remember.

Step one: Don't do this while ovulating - not that we girls would ever bring up a subject like babies unless we were 100% objective ;-)
Step two: sit down and think about it logically, weigh pros and cons
Step three: simplify question into something that can be answered by a strong yes or no
Step four: quiet yourself and listen (this could take days/weeks)
Step five: check to make sure the answer is in line with Church teaching because God wouldn't go against that

I bring this up because
a) I had done something similar to this exercise the night before at adoration and got a strong response to wait and without that I might turn into the nagging wife who "knows" when to have kids and just needs to prove that to her husband.
b) Wouldn't this be a nice piece of information that priests could hand out when the topic of NFP comes up? It goes a little further than just saying the couple needs to seek God's direction and go with that. This way we don't get the extreme responses on either end as well as some concrete steps a couple can take.

Days of Entitlement

Originally, I had this blog mostly as a journal for myself. I didn't have to worry about coming off as prideful or arrogant or anything else because it was just me typing away so my thoughts don't stay jumbled up in my head. As I have said before, a hobby of mine is organizing. I like to have things in their proper place and I like to put things away. This blog started so I could put my thoughts away. So this is me putting my thoughts away on our culture of entitlement even though I am by no means an expert and I'm still working through how to change myself.

Most people would agree that we are living in an age of entitlement even if we argue about the cause. I will keep my opinions on the cause to myself so we can just focus on the topic: Entitlement

As Americans, most of us live with so much. We can have food when we want it (even if we do not feel like cooking) we can buy new clothes when we want, we can go on the computer and blog when we want - this list could go on for quite a long time. The point being, we are used to getting our way when we want something. Said like that it sounds selfish doesn't it?

Of course, this doesn't go for every situation. In high school, my Christian friends would somehow get on the topic of *ahem* intimacy all the time! They would talk about how they were doing good at the self-control thing right now, but when they got married all bets were off. A couple of my friends, in high school and college, talked about how they didn't want to go on a honeymoon at all, but instead wanted to take a month off of work so they could spend a lot of time in bed "getting to know" their spouse.

How does this relate to NFP you ask? In my friends commentary they saw intimacy as something forbidden until marriage and experienced on demand after the vows are said. If you look at it as something that is always available, sometimes the sacredness and specialness of the act is overlooked. It is not instant gratification like fast food, it is something that was created to bring a couple closer to God and each other. NFP has taught me how to look at the marital union in a less selfish and more sacramental way. On the other hand, society (and birth control) have taught us that it is good and should be done as often as possible. Unfortunately, it seems like this country is concerned about quantity over quality in so many activities and parts of our lives.

I don't know how my friends are doing now in that category. I wonder if they still have the opinion that since I'm married now I'm entitled to A. Although I agree in saving yourself until marriage, I think the teaching philosophy is flawed. Just because all of a sudden it is "good" once you say your vows, does not mean you are entitled to it at any particular time. And that seems to be the biggest issue with NFP - but we're married so we can do this when we want, not just when my body allows. No one is taught that this act of love is a total giving of yourself so NFP just doesn't make sense. Anyone know how to explain that without sounding arrogant like I'm sure I did in this post? Again, I write this more as a means of putting away my thoughts than anything else.

A Change in Plans

I had planned to publish a post today on the Entitlement of this country and how it is affecting family life in a negative way but it just didn't feel right to do that today - maybe I'll post it later this week. I can't talk about entitlement, or warn of its dangers, when I am struggling with the very same thing right now.

As I have said before, NFP has been a blessing and a cross for me to bear. I am aware of the cyclical changes in my body which helps ease my mind about some symptoms that would worry others. On the other hand, even with my treatment of healthy diet, exercise and progesterone cream (natural because synthetic can cause some bad side effects), I cannot get rid of two of my symptoms - fatigue and irritability. For those of you who know STM, my luteal phase is all over the place on some cycles. There is a definite temperature shift but it doesn't always stay up. It is also the phase I have the most fatigue and irritability. I know it is from my cycle, but that doesn't make it any easier for me or my husband to handle.

Off the pity train and on to the confession part. Even though God has blessed me with the knowledge of my body to the point where I am at peace with it and what God gives me each day, I tend to get a bit demanding. I fall into the bad habit of feeling entitled to help. Okay hubby, you don't feel like crap right now so I am entitled to your attention and support. You need to love and care for me! Even though I don't say it that bluntly, I know my attitude is selfish in desiring love and support without wanting to even try to think about how to show love in return. It's the Jenelle show and no one else is as important. I've gotten better about turning to God in my pain, but my emotional issues are another story. I never stay in the ultra-selfish mode for long, but it is long enough to cause damage to myself and my husband.

Needless to say, I'm frustrated that these symptoms aren't going away. At this point I'm not looking for medical advice but I would love some pointers if you know how to diffuse a tough emotional situation. Any tips on how to stay away from selfish emotional temptations? Like a quick prayer or saint to learn about who had similar temptation?

Intentionally NFP

Well there has been a big to do in some places about how to use NFP in a morally licit manner. Many comments say go to your spiritual director, pastor or priest. Well I know that the Catholic Church teaches NFP is the only acceptable approach to spacing children, but not all priests adhere to that. I for one was shocked when I went to the priest who was presiding over our marriage ceremony said not all couples are "mature" enough for this method. He knew we were planning on learning NFP and he still wasn't encouraging it? How can I go to that person and ask to use the method correctly?

Needless to say, my husband and I were feeling a bit lost and confused in the beginning of our marriage (mostly me - he had more confidence in our discernment process). Were are reasons just? Who could help us out if not our NFP instructors or priest? And then you read some NFP dialogue and they say "being newlyweds" is not a good enough excuse...well I'm pretty sure I used that one for a couple months. In my defense, I had never shared a bed (at least as long as I can remember) and it took me a couple months to have a full night's sleep. Plus there are so many other adjustments that correlate with "being newlywed" so in my head that just summed up all the parts.

Moving on, I thought I would write a post on my take in this debate. First of all, I think any couple mature enough to get married is mature enough to use this method. Marriage is about communication and mutual self-giving. NFP enhances both. Secondly, I agree that "just reasons" need to be discerned by the couple and will be unique to their situation. With that being said, I can't judge if any particular couple is using the method correctly but I have found myself asking a few questions as a guide.

Is my reason selfish? I say this to remind myself that I should be making the decision based on what is best for my family and future children. If it is just because I want something or don't want something, then I am not thinking about family.

Am I truly open to life? NFP is all about being open to life in that you don't artificially avoid conception but there is a difference between physically being open to life and mentally being open to life. Would I be happy if I had a baby in 9 months? This question I ask without all the qualifiers of the next and most standard question...

Can I support a new life physically, financially, spiritually and emotionally? This is the only question where I find it appropriate at times to say no. Yes I am married and my husband and I would love to have kids, but right now is not the time for us based on all the needs this new life would have. We are working toward better meeting those needs so I know I am not being selfish and I would lovingly accept a child if God gave us that gift right now. However, lovingly accepting the Church's teaching on NFP does not mean we all have to race to see how many children we can have as soon as possible.

Spiritual Direction

First of all, this is a title of a great book by Henri Nouwen. That is also one of the first references I ever paid attention to about the topic. The book was "optional" reading for a class but I didn't see the optional part and bought it. Instead of returning the book, I decided to read it...

A couple years later I got a real life spiritual director. I have enjoyed the process of meeting with someone who is trained in spiritual direction and has a similar life story in many of the concerning areas I have brought up in conversations.

One tip she has given me: know thyself. It is important to know who I am and what I stand for. I've always had that philosophy but I haven't prayed about it much until now. It has been comforting to know NFP has helped me find the hormonal connection to my fatigue and mood. Throughout all the craziness of surgery and pain I am thankful that I know myself. I know how my body works and the pain and fatigue is not a mystery. So while it is hard for me to talk about how NFP can help diagnose/treat problems when mine seem to hang around, it truly is a blessing that I can understand what is happening. I don't have to blindly trust doctors which would be so much easier but much less informative.

Good News... without the lawsuit

This weekend I went to South Bend to visit a friend and her two month old baby girl. The new family was so precious and the two days went by so quickly! I learned a lot about parenting and will treasure that weekend, but that wasn't the good news I wanted to announce....

I started a new chart a while ago and it is the first one in a while where I did not ask my husband to write down "pain" in the disturbances box. No migraine and only mild cramps that went away with the medicine which I only took for 2 days and not the usual 3 or 4.

While the treatments (healthy diet and progesterone cream) have not worked overnight I seem to be getting generally better over time. Hopefully I will stay on track over the upcoming holidays... In any case, I know I am getting healthier and I'm doing so without the lawsuit of Yasmin, Yaz, etc. I saw the commercial advertising the class action suit a day or two ago and realized that I have been getting "shorter, lighter cycles" with the treatment I'm on...and hopefully continually less pain... without being on a pill that had side effects which brought on a law suit.

Changes in Society

I was reading a blog and comments that talked about conforming law to things that happen in society. Many people want to do "x" so we should push to legalize it. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes it takes a long time - Women's suffrage took decades. There are a number of items like that in the news right now: legalizing marijuana, same-sex unions/marriages, universal health care....

Now that I have become broadly controversial in this post I think I'll narrow it down and get more controversial. A popular argument against teaching NFP in the Catholic Church is that most couples don't use it anyway; therefore, let us conform religion to society. Religion should be more binding than laws anyway. Religion is defined as pertaining to the supernatural. That does not change because society changes. I don't think it is possible that all the ancient religions and all the contemporary religions are 100% true. It just does not seem logical that the way the world was created and how it works changes when people's ideas change. So it is interesting that the stance on contraception has changed in that way. Most Christian denominations used to be against it quite recently, well after the modern dating practices started in this country.

What is my response to the argument? I love being Catholic - the church stands up for its beliefs against controversy and has been around long enough with enough theologians to research the topics just a bit. Some may see it as oppressive - I see it as an informed, conscientious decision that has withstood the test of time and opposition. If you look closely, the reasoning behind the position is at the very least respectable and in my eyes awe-inspiring.

Truth and Consequences

Recently I was a substitute in one of my former teacher's classrooms. When I walked into his classroom I was flooded with dreadful memories of my teen health class. Thankfully, I was only teaching English that day. Even so, it was quite an interesting experience for many reasons.

I don't remember much about my teen health class. I remember that the standard - don't do drugs, sleep is good for you, first aid - messages were present, but I have no idea how they were taught or any specifics. I do remember some specifics of the reproductive section. I remember some girls walking around the class with the pregnancy belly, though that did not deter one of the girls who became pregnant before finishing high school. I also remember the serious warning that a girl can become pregnant at any time in her cycle and that there is no way to know what time that is going to be. Was this a scare tactic or an actual fact? We went over statistical success rates of different methods. We also were taught multiple times that just because the Trojan brand is "most trusted" does not mean it is the "most trustworthy" - obviously this wasn't an abstinence only program.

Why do I still have issue with this 8 years later? Because it was a lie and there are consequences to lies. If one oddball teacher said this, no big deal - most people listened to him just enough to pass the class. The problem is, most of society says the same thing and it hurts me to know women I care about are being misinformed throughout their whole lives, starting with teen health class. My previous post on "Who is man for woman..." talks about lying with our bodies when using contraception. Lying is bad and can result in consequences. 13% of women face fertility issues and studies show that artificial contraception and abortion increase those rates. NFP charts back this up with infertile patterns seen when stopping hormonal contraceptives.

Quick story to put my anger and passion on this topic into perspective. I know someone who has been married for a couple years. She started the pill in high school for abdominal pain. She stayed on it for 8 years until she wanted to conceive. Since that time she has been unsuccessful, been diagnosed with PCOS, gone through major surgery, and had to change her diet and start taking Clomid. She is the one that brought this up and how she was upset her doctors didn't take the time to diagnose PCOS in the first place to treat her symptoms instead of just covering them up. When are doctors going to stop lying and saying this is a miracle pill and start taking a genuine interest in helping/treating their patient's individual needs?

rainbow

So I wrote a long post about the rain (pain), now I want to talk about a rainbow.

Right now the rainbow is my husband. The days and nights I have been in pain he has most definitely filled his role as provider/protector/supporter. Anything I ask for - I get! How nice is that? Now I'm sure if I asked for anything crazy he might stop this practice. Since my requests are limited to things like mint water (a natural relaxer/pain reliever), heating pad, etc, my wish is his command. One of my biggest requests for him lately is to help me relax. I jokingly mentioned the Bradly Method in my last post since we are not pregnant right now, but its philosophy of relaxing the body is relevant. My husband has practiced relaxation techniques and is really good at leading me through them. It is amazing how he can help me relax the rest of my body and in doing so, ease the burden of the pain (even though it doesn't go away). Hopefully this means we'll be in a good position if we do have children and choose to go through a natural birth.

Hopefully another rainbow in my future will be children. The possibility of future children is one of the things I keep in mind while I am going through the pain. Yes, it is painful now but what a great gift God has given women to receive love in such a way that lets us carry life within us and give birth. I can wait and make it through to that special day.